Doing mask now and have nothing to do so here I an blogging.

21 years old is definitely not a good one. I mean, unhappy incidents occurred. Though some did made me grow, I definitely do not wish to learn from these kind of events. Been so exhausted from everything and screwed up my lifestyle, 2011 is like a disaster to me and totally suck me dry. I cant even list out the events one by one because my brain is so useless it couldn't even register the things that happened. I can practically forget what just happened minutes ago and all I can remember is I really and always wish to have a good sleep every minute. On a lighter note, Kenji is the only good thing that happened.

Though my timetable this semester is much better, the content is heavier. Expect us to memorise 200+ pages of content in less than 4 weeks? I have never encoutered a case where exam tests on content just taught the day before. Total madness. I think my brain is failing, seriously. I really don't know how to do this. I have the heart, I stop wasting time doing all the useless stuffs but I don't have the memory power to stuff all those in. :( And I'm really starting to question myself if this is really what I wish to do. I tried my best, and when I did and I still don't do amazingly well, I don't understand why I have to struggle just to be average. Is this really my cup of tea? I'm really lost.

I don't know whether it's coincidental or what. At 16, 18 and 21 years old, the more meaningful numbers, there are bound to be some drastic change and increase in the amount of things that happened to make me reflect more. I don't ask for much, I don't mind being tired working, as long as work time doesnt cross my personal time, which is why I love service jobs so much. When I'm off work, I can whole heartedly rest and do my own things. Even if I allow myself the time to play (which time never allows me), I can't entirely stop worrying about the pile of work, with non stop exams. Passion is really not enough to pull you through.

Apart from studies, I've started to think about my relationship. I can count what's holding me back but I don't even want to think about what's making me waver. I was reading John Gray's Men are from Mars Women are from Venus. It's a great book though I've only finished a few chapters. But I stopped reading because I find it pretty meaningless if I understand the man but he doesnt make any effort. It's so pointless. The more I read the more I feel despondent because you know these small problems can be solved, the only problem is someone not willing to try. It's even more scary when he compares who gives in more. At least I feel it's scary that you have a thought that you contributed more and so that makes me the inferior party.
I do not need someone to be there when more serious incidents happen, because when it does, I'll be stronger and I will handle it myself. Or I should put it this way. I need someone to support me in my daily life much much more than someone to depend on when serious things happen. I don't need you to do any very purposeful actions I just need someone to lie on, someone to share things with, someone to speak softly to me, someone to be with and I don't have to be alert lest I offend anyone, someone whom I can be totally relaxed with, someone to let me be demanding. Ok, maybe this is too much for any guy. I'm tired thinking about this everyday, and the more I tried not to think, the more tired I get day by day. I'm scared I can't hold much longer. You kept everything in your heart, your actions say otherwise or even worst, I know in your heart you care, but I don't live in your heart, I live in your life, your physical form. I can't reach your heart if you keep pushing me away with your actions. I can't hang on long, I will get tired. Holding on to love is like holding on to a faith. Intangible yet strong. But Lord shows me He's there.

I think I'm just not that matured enough to prepare myself to start a family on my own. I don't want to have restrictions so early. I don't wish to finally be freed from my studies and then start to worry about family matters and relations. I think I just wish to be young for a few more years.

These things just make me wonder that perhaps I should have just accepted a relationship when I was younger. At least I have time to learn and make mistakes, then perhaps at this age I would have a better idea how to decide.